4, 5, 6, pick up... lines?

Ah, well it seems I got a little distracted from my summer's mission, gang. A round of apologies as I know you're all anxiously awaiting more knowledge in our quest to shop for a husband. But as promised, I'm going to try and get through these rules in time to prepare for Part II. But we're not quite there yet... so rules 4, 5, 6... let's go.

Rule #4: Choosy Shoppers Choose... a Guy with Good Guts

Another, at times, painfully long chapter about obvious men to avoid met me in this chapter. But, I'll also admit, it had a few tolerable and even, dare I say it, pleasant points. Rule #4 begins with one major suggestion: "never marry a man who has no friends" continuing with "we don't think about the plain-and-simple - we choose to believe that life is so much more complicated than that." I have to say I connected to this because I'm often guilty of over thinking simplicities and I'm actively now trying to end habits of needlessly complicating things that are meant to be easy. It reminds me of the lyric by the Indigo Girls: "the hardest to learn was the least complicated"; a thought that's helped me through some trying times. So, word. I give you that one, book.

But then the book goes on with this point: "What we're really telling you is to strike from your list anyone who is disloyal, lazy, unethical, unkind, disrespectful, or just plain mean. In our old life we thought those qualities were 'cute' or 'sexy'. Seriously, ladies, grow up. We know you know good guts when you see it." Ah, yikes bikes, I have some issues here. Unfortunately, people aren't always made up of just virtues and flaws, there is a middle ground. Virtuous people are still often flawed. I've never gone looking for someone because he was mean... and I certainly never thought it was an attractive quality! So, no, I won't grow up... but I'm glad the book trusts my good guts instincts... I'm just not sure if I'm really the right audience for all of this...We are left with one positive point as we exit this chapter and that is the advice to marry your best friend. Something I've always felt pretty passionate about so I guess it's nice to know these writers believe it's important too? In any case I'm going to stick by that one. In the end, I want to be with someone who understands me, makes me laugh, and puts up with my terrible jokes. And cue the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz.

Rule #5: Be Sure to Check Under the Hood and Buy a Model with a Powerful Engine

This chapter was short and sweet. And I found it almost intriguing as it attempted to explain love and the laws of attraction in a more scientific way; which as been an area of interest for me as well. The concept that our bodies could be designed to fall for certain people because of their hormones and their pheromones has always fascinated me; perhaps, I'm just searching for concrete reasons to explain every heartbreak I've suffered or crush I've fallen victim to, I'm not sure. But rule #5 notes that in order for a marriage to work one must first be initially attracted by "good old fashioned chemistry". Continuing on to discuss that attraction is a chemical response from our bodies connected to the hormone oxytocin and, most interestingly enough, suggests that the type of person we are attracted to is solidified by the time we are age seven! Here is the direct paragraph in the book (as offered by Dr. Berman):

A love map is a product of early childhood experiences that lay the groundwork for our attraction after puberty. The information, like having a favorite babysitter when you were younger, registers in the brain via the five senses. You remember her hair color. Or you develop an affinity for her body type. Later, you're "activated" by these very same qualities. You walk into a crowded room and someone catches your eye. Or you feel the pangs of attraction when someone speaks like her. Love maps explain why we feel that certain pull toward someone without knowing why.

I guess part of the reason I'm so intrigued by all of this is because it's all an unconscious choice and you're never quite aware why or when the attraction will happen. But, hey, perhaps it'll make us feel a little better... to all the people I've ever been attracted to who didn't feel the same way, perhaps it's just because they didn't get a chance to meet me before they were seven. I never had the chance to win them over with my witty ways! Ah, well, at least it's something to think about. I also can't help but wonder, because I work with close to a hundred children a week under seven if I'll ever be a part of their process! Ugh, creepy, right?

Rule #6: Look for a Garmet - Oops, We Mean a Guy - Who Will Withstand the Test of Time: Seek out a Little Black Dress Among Men

Okay, gang, this one was a long chapter, so hang in there. In this section the book helps us decode who are the "little black dresses" among men! There's actually a boxed section outlining the following thought, allotting it a number of importance (10 being most important). Here it is word for word:

How to Spot A Guy Who is a Little Black Dress
We Didn't Make it Up - It's Science, OK?

He's uglier than you. PGHM Meter: 7
He washes the dishes. PGHM Meter: 9
He lets you get your way. PGHM Meter: 8
He's college educated. PGHM Meter: 7
He's not type A. PGHM Meter: 8
He earns more money than you. PGHM Meter: 6
He's not overly sexual. PGHM Meter: 6
He's not isolated or super grumpy. PGHM Meter:9

And don't worry, everyone... we're going to hear the reason behind all eight of these...

1.) He's Uglier Than You.
This one already amuses me. But it's opening goes a little something like this, "If you're hotter than he is, even just a little, you both will be more content in the long run. So, look for a guy who's a little less gifted than you are in the looks department." Okay! What advice! Now, if you're like so many ladies that I know, you're more likely to be more insecure than overly confident with your appearance. So many of my very beautiful friends have no idea how good looking they are... and perhaps it's because I love them that they become so nice to look at but I think for the most part people aren't out there declaring themselves as "hot" on a daily basis. So if that's true, gals, I don't think it's necessarily the best idea to search for someone who is uglier than you on purpose; maybe focus on searching for someone because they're interesting or amusing? In any case, I think I have a distorted view on looks, I'm more likely to be attracted to unconventional beauty rather than typical "good looks". Besides, the nerdy guys are always my jam and I'm not sure how nerdy relates to ugly/non ugly.

2.) He Washes the Dishes.
"Sharing household chores was right up at the top of the list, just behind faithfulness and a good sex life." Ugh, I guess? It seems a tad more trivial to me but perhaps there's a useful point in here? I'm going to assume the root of this one is maintaining good communication and sharing responsibilities. Fine. Moving on, I'm bored.

3.) He Lets You Have Your Way.
Once again, I have to restate that I don't think I fit perimeters of this book. I'm a gal who likes a challenge. I want to have heated discussion. I want to learn new things from you. If I don't work for it, it cheapens it for me. But the book states, "happy couples are the ones in which the woman's opinion rules on how to solve problems in the home or marriage." Now, don't get me wrong, I have some wonderful opinions, but I don't know if it's fair to assume the pressure of how to solve all the problems. I thought marriage was about partnership? According to this book, I should be looking for ugly, chore loving, men who always let me win. No, thank you! I am doomed!

4.) He's College Educated.
Alright. This one I actually agree with. Not to bash those who chose not to go on to higher education but I'm a lover of scholastic achievement. Always have been. It's also proven that divorce rates are lower among those who have college degrees when compared to those without them. Let's keep the nerds coming!

5.) He's Not Type A.
Yeah, again, fine. Don't be too tense and uptight, agreed. But being driven and passionate is still important to me so let's aim for a balance, huh?

6.) He Earns More Money Than You.
Ugh, this makes me feel so uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I have a lot of my own career plans for the future and I don't want to actively strive on making less money than my husband... perhaps I'm being too idealistic but I would love for us to do what makes us happy, make a life together, and just be. Not focused on who brings in more money. Ugh. I don't know, I'm probably missing something with this one, but it still makes me uneasy.

7.) He's Not Hyper-Sexual, Overly Kinky, or Surrounded by Hot Woman Work.
Alright? I just don't have tons to say on this one. But the section left us with this point, "Great hot nights that turn into cold mornings are a waste of a 'hot' buy." Wow, thanks. How insightful.

8.) He's Not an Isolated, Grumpy, or Generally Unhappy Person.
Yes. This is probably a good point... and perhaps should have come up earlier on the priority list. "Happy people have happier marriages. Laughing together is the aphrodisiac of all times." We're in agreement there, book.






And with that... we conclude this little rule section... Only six more to go!