The Internet is for Porn... and Humiliation.

Well, friends, we've made it to Part II. Thanks for checking back in after all those boring rule posts. Now things are going to get a little more interesting... hopefully.

Part II is titled: Where and How to Shop. All I can say is, finally. We're half way through the book and I only have one month left before the summer season is officially over so I need to buckle down and make some magic. Within the introduction for Part II, the book writes, "Ask yourself, where would I enjoy being, where can I pursue my interests, and where can I go to become my best version of myself." Ah, I have to admit this is probably the advice I've valued most from this text. It's not an entirely new concept to me but I still appreciate that they mentioned it. It's simple and something to strive for. Another piece of wisdom from this introduction was this: "You have to ask, ask, and keep asking everyone you know whether they know a great guy for you." Okay. I suppose that's something to try. Um, so if you're reading this... please consider it an attempt, thanks.

So on to the Rules.

Rule #1: Shop Online - It Works!

Oh, God. I knew it was coming but I have to tell you, this one is already giving me stomach pains. Now, I know online dating is a reality of our generation. 1 out of 8 marriages can thank the internet for getting them started nowadays and it's estimated that Americans alone spend about half-a-billion dollars a year on dating websites. I have friends who have had luck trying it; I know plenty of wonderful people that speak highly of it; but I'm sorry, it makes me nervous. I guess I always imagined I'd meet my future husband in a more organic fashion. A romantic ideal of a younger me, perhaps, but I still can't help but hope that things will fall into place on their own. Without me searching for it... or browsing profiles to determine if there's potential chemistry.

Another one of my qualms roots back to my early days of living in New York City and a quasi internet dating experience I attempted. It's not one of my favorite memories but I'm willing to share it so that maybe you'll understand some of my hesitation for looking for love online.

I had just graduated from college and I found myself living in Brooklyn with three of my college friends. I moved to the city wide eyed and naive. About almost everything. But it made me constantly available and willing to put myself in extremely awkward situations simply because I didn't know any better. I also had just uncovered a new website called craigslist. Come on guys, this was 2005, okay? It was still sort of new back then. I managed to find a job and an apartment through the site so when my roommate, Jill, told me that she had found a guy on there that she thought would be perfect for me I didn't run away screaming like I probably should have. Jill decided to email this gentleman pretending to be me. He had red hair. He loved the theater. Jill was convinced that he was the one. And back then, red hair AND a love for the theater... well, I'll admit it didn't take much more than that to convince me either. She continued to email him as me but soon disclosed the secret to him and sent him my real email address. We emailed shortly and agreed to meet for a drink one night.

The sad thing is, I still remember exactly what I wore that evening. It was a fairly simple outfit, jeans and a jacket, but I made sure to wear a green scarf I had recently made for myself... hoping that he might be even more interested in me if he knew I could knit. Wow. I'm really trying to embarrass myself admitting that one. Anyway, we met for a drink in Brooklyn. I drank beer even though back then my 22 year old self didn't love it. And the conversation was decent, interesting at times, but ultimately, I knew that we didn't have much chemistry. The spark was just not there. But I was young and eager and I wanted to give it chance. So I agreed to see him for a few more dates. I even once consented to trudging through one of the worst snowstorms of the past few years to spend the night watching The Simpsons at his apartment. (Side note: It was same snowstorm that I had earlier convinced my roommates to enjoy with me by blowing up our airbed and trying to use it as a sled. Not the most successful idea of mine.) He had a great place, a wonderful book collection, and comfortable pillows. But sadly, I was more interested in the Chekhov plays he owned than in any physical relations that went on that evening and I ended up leaving his place in the wee hours of the morning to escape.

But again... I was young... and wanted to be nice and give the fella a chance. So we stayed in communication and as the snow cleared I found myself in another type of storm. My grandmother was very ill and I was rushed back to Connecticut at the end of January to visit her in the hospital and ultimately say goodbye. It was the first major death I had to deal with in my life and when she passed away on February 1st, I knew I would never be the same. I spent the next week grieving with my family and helping my mother handle all the arrangements. In the meantime, I managed to email Mr. Craigslist to let him know that I would be out of the city for a few more days. He responded with his sincere apologies, which I was thankful for. Later on though, he emailed me back again... to tell me that he wasn't in a "dating place" but that if I ever needed someone to see a play with I could contact him (I had access to a lot of free tickets). So. The guy that I wasn't terribly attracted to dumped me in an email. Right after my grandmother died. Awesome. I know it's not that bad... but at the time, it was pretty unpleasant. And need I even mention that he was not at all impressed with my crafting skills?

Since then, online dating just never seemed like something I would consider doing again. But as the chapter states, "Get over it. Dating is a numbers game - and by that we mean the more opportunities you give yourself to meet someone, the more chance you will have of making a match." Well, I guess I have to at least try this because I promised myself I'd complete this book. So this rule is going to be an ongoing attempt as I hit the others... or as I "keep shopping at various stores" as the book would say. I did some extended research and asked around and found a free dating service (sorry friends, I just can't pay for something that makes me immediately so uncomfortable) and will be checking in on it during these next few weeks. No promises, other than I promise to be open minded. Rule one also provides many suggestions on how to make the most out of online dating... and I will touch upon those as well when they come up in this whole process; please check in on it again.

Hopefully you don't think any less of me after reading my some rather more personal details, hopefully you're still willing to read this. And hopefully at the end of this darn book challenge I'll have a few more stories to share... and maybe, just maybe, I'll meet someone that values a lady who can craft scarves for those chilly nights.

7, 8, 9, feeling fine, 10, 11, 12, ready to delve...

Time to finish these rules already, right? Let's get on with it!

Rule #7: Be Sure to Use the Mirror in the Dressing Room: Learn the Mirror-Image Rule

This chapter explains that often people tend to search for their mirror images, or rather someone who is a lot like ourselves, and ultimately we are happiest when we can achieve this idea. It seems like it's almost human nature to look for our reflections in other people and falling in love with the person who can provide our best image. The chapter also provides some additional PGHM insight:

The Similarity Rule:
Find Your Mirror Image

You and Your Guy - Do You Match on the Following:

Similar intelligence levels PGHM Meter: 8
Similar emotional responses PGHM Meter: 9
Similar personalities PGHM Meter: 8

Overall, I feel pretty neutral about this chapter. I wasn't offended. But I wasn't moved. These seem like obvious suggestions... but perhaps reconsidering them will prove to be influential.

Rule #8: Search for GUI: Good User Interface

Horray! A chapter that celebrates the value of good communication! And, oddly enough, I'm not being sarcastic here. But unfortunately, that's where it ends. Chapter eight states that it is important to find someone who can communicate with you... but doesn't offer additional insight on where to find them.

Rule #9: Listen to the Real Experts When Deciding on the Options

Okay, so this chapter's main focus was to go back and highlight the importance of the other rules listed so far. (Good guts, good engine, black dress among men, mirror image, etc.) And then it provides some additional thoughts on the good ole PGHM Meter. Here's their list:

Similar taste in food: PGHM Meter: 8
Similar education levels: PGHM Meter: 8
Shared love of sports: PGHM Meter: 5
Similar television preferences: PGHM Meter: 6
Shared appreciation for, or aversion to, the outdoors: PGHM Meter: 7
Shared interest in culture: PGHM Meter: 3
Love of the in-laws: PGHM Meter: 2
Close Age Span: PGHM Meter: 3
Agreement on work after kids: PGHM Meter: 3
Similar politics: PGHM Meter: 5
He likes your friends: PGHM Meter: 9
You agree on where to live: PGHM Meter: 7
You agree on having kids: PGHM Meter: 10
You see eye to eye on money: PGHM Meter: 9
You're aligned when it comes to the bedroom: PGHM Meter: 10

Now, I'm not that interested in the PGHM Meter to begin with... I think it's sort of strange that it's dictating where we should compromise and what's most important though. I also have an issue with the ranking for "interest in culture" and "love of the in-laws" as personally those two things are very high on my list. But good to know the book is dedicated to us finding success in the bedroom, right?

Rule #10: Know a Guy's History - Is He a Marrier or a Player or, Worst of All, Both?

Chapter ten identifies that there are three types of men: marriers, just plain players, and marrying players. (Their words, not mine.) And that it's essential to find out the type of guy you are with before you get married. The book also states that "marriers" are never on the market long and that if "he looks like a good buy, nab him!" Oh, easier said then done. I wish it was that simple! To put it into shopping terms for you, book, sometimes I can't afford items I would love to buy and sometimes those items don't want to come home with me. Sadly, I learned very little from this chapter and now feel a little poor.

Rule # 11: After-Purchase Repairs and Alterations: Know When the Hems Can Be Altered and the Sleeves Taken Up

Another look at where to settle and compromise. As they put it, "options can be altered. Guts cannot." And continues with suggesting that while most people don't really change, if you hope to open your love up to some new possibilies and thoughts that we need to do it gently and kindly. Okay, fine. But really, I don't think I'm truly any closer to finding a husband.

Rule #12: Look for the Right Fit: Must He Be One-of-a-Kind, or Can You Go with Ready-to-Wear?

Yes! The last chapter of the rules! In this last section, we are told that the key to success is in the timing and in the location. Once again, duh. The chapter concludes with all of the PGHM points put together in a list formation... which they suggest cutting out and carrying with you so you "don't make any mistakes". No. I don't think I'm going to be doing that... I can't imagine anyone ever wanting to marry or even date me again after seeing me bust that thing out.

Well, folks, we made it out of the rules! Now on to Part II... where I actually get to start humiliating myself! Stay tuned.

4, 5, 6, pick up... lines?

Ah, well it seems I got a little distracted from my summer's mission, gang. A round of apologies as I know you're all anxiously awaiting more knowledge in our quest to shop for a husband. But as promised, I'm going to try and get through these rules in time to prepare for Part II. But we're not quite there yet... so rules 4, 5, 6... let's go.

Rule #4: Choosy Shoppers Choose... a Guy with Good Guts

Another, at times, painfully long chapter about obvious men to avoid met me in this chapter. But, I'll also admit, it had a few tolerable and even, dare I say it, pleasant points. Rule #4 begins with one major suggestion: "never marry a man who has no friends" continuing with "we don't think about the plain-and-simple - we choose to believe that life is so much more complicated than that." I have to say I connected to this because I'm often guilty of over thinking simplicities and I'm actively now trying to end habits of needlessly complicating things that are meant to be easy. It reminds me of the lyric by the Indigo Girls: "the hardest to learn was the least complicated"; a thought that's helped me through some trying times. So, word. I give you that one, book.

But then the book goes on with this point: "What we're really telling you is to strike from your list anyone who is disloyal, lazy, unethical, unkind, disrespectful, or just plain mean. In our old life we thought those qualities were 'cute' or 'sexy'. Seriously, ladies, grow up. We know you know good guts when you see it." Ah, yikes bikes, I have some issues here. Unfortunately, people aren't always made up of just virtues and flaws, there is a middle ground. Virtuous people are still often flawed. I've never gone looking for someone because he was mean... and I certainly never thought it was an attractive quality! So, no, I won't grow up... but I'm glad the book trusts my good guts instincts... I'm just not sure if I'm really the right audience for all of this...We are left with one positive point as we exit this chapter and that is the advice to marry your best friend. Something I've always felt pretty passionate about so I guess it's nice to know these writers believe it's important too? In any case I'm going to stick by that one. In the end, I want to be with someone who understands me, makes me laugh, and puts up with my terrible jokes. And cue the song "Lucky" by Jason Mraz.

Rule #5: Be Sure to Check Under the Hood and Buy a Model with a Powerful Engine

This chapter was short and sweet. And I found it almost intriguing as it attempted to explain love and the laws of attraction in a more scientific way; which as been an area of interest for me as well. The concept that our bodies could be designed to fall for certain people because of their hormones and their pheromones has always fascinated me; perhaps, I'm just searching for concrete reasons to explain every heartbreak I've suffered or crush I've fallen victim to, I'm not sure. But rule #5 notes that in order for a marriage to work one must first be initially attracted by "good old fashioned chemistry". Continuing on to discuss that attraction is a chemical response from our bodies connected to the hormone oxytocin and, most interestingly enough, suggests that the type of person we are attracted to is solidified by the time we are age seven! Here is the direct paragraph in the book (as offered by Dr. Berman):

A love map is a product of early childhood experiences that lay the groundwork for our attraction after puberty. The information, like having a favorite babysitter when you were younger, registers in the brain via the five senses. You remember her hair color. Or you develop an affinity for her body type. Later, you're "activated" by these very same qualities. You walk into a crowded room and someone catches your eye. Or you feel the pangs of attraction when someone speaks like her. Love maps explain why we feel that certain pull toward someone without knowing why.

I guess part of the reason I'm so intrigued by all of this is because it's all an unconscious choice and you're never quite aware why or when the attraction will happen. But, hey, perhaps it'll make us feel a little better... to all the people I've ever been attracted to who didn't feel the same way, perhaps it's just because they didn't get a chance to meet me before they were seven. I never had the chance to win them over with my witty ways! Ah, well, at least it's something to think about. I also can't help but wonder, because I work with close to a hundred children a week under seven if I'll ever be a part of their process! Ugh, creepy, right?

Rule #6: Look for a Garmet - Oops, We Mean a Guy - Who Will Withstand the Test of Time: Seek out a Little Black Dress Among Men

Okay, gang, this one was a long chapter, so hang in there. In this section the book helps us decode who are the "little black dresses" among men! There's actually a boxed section outlining the following thought, allotting it a number of importance (10 being most important). Here it is word for word:

How to Spot A Guy Who is a Little Black Dress
We Didn't Make it Up - It's Science, OK?

He's uglier than you. PGHM Meter: 7
He washes the dishes. PGHM Meter: 9
He lets you get your way. PGHM Meter: 8
He's college educated. PGHM Meter: 7
He's not type A. PGHM Meter: 8
He earns more money than you. PGHM Meter: 6
He's not overly sexual. PGHM Meter: 6
He's not isolated or super grumpy. PGHM Meter:9

And don't worry, everyone... we're going to hear the reason behind all eight of these...

1.) He's Uglier Than You.
This one already amuses me. But it's opening goes a little something like this, "If you're hotter than he is, even just a little, you both will be more content in the long run. So, look for a guy who's a little less gifted than you are in the looks department." Okay! What advice! Now, if you're like so many ladies that I know, you're more likely to be more insecure than overly confident with your appearance. So many of my very beautiful friends have no idea how good looking they are... and perhaps it's because I love them that they become so nice to look at but I think for the most part people aren't out there declaring themselves as "hot" on a daily basis. So if that's true, gals, I don't think it's necessarily the best idea to search for someone who is uglier than you on purpose; maybe focus on searching for someone because they're interesting or amusing? In any case, I think I have a distorted view on looks, I'm more likely to be attracted to unconventional beauty rather than typical "good looks". Besides, the nerdy guys are always my jam and I'm not sure how nerdy relates to ugly/non ugly.

2.) He Washes the Dishes.
"Sharing household chores was right up at the top of the list, just behind faithfulness and a good sex life." Ugh, I guess? It seems a tad more trivial to me but perhaps there's a useful point in here? I'm going to assume the root of this one is maintaining good communication and sharing responsibilities. Fine. Moving on, I'm bored.

3.) He Lets You Have Your Way.
Once again, I have to restate that I don't think I fit perimeters of this book. I'm a gal who likes a challenge. I want to have heated discussion. I want to learn new things from you. If I don't work for it, it cheapens it for me. But the book states, "happy couples are the ones in which the woman's opinion rules on how to solve problems in the home or marriage." Now, don't get me wrong, I have some wonderful opinions, but I don't know if it's fair to assume the pressure of how to solve all the problems. I thought marriage was about partnership? According to this book, I should be looking for ugly, chore loving, men who always let me win. No, thank you! I am doomed!

4.) He's College Educated.
Alright. This one I actually agree with. Not to bash those who chose not to go on to higher education but I'm a lover of scholastic achievement. Always have been. It's also proven that divorce rates are lower among those who have college degrees when compared to those without them. Let's keep the nerds coming!

5.) He's Not Type A.
Yeah, again, fine. Don't be too tense and uptight, agreed. But being driven and passionate is still important to me so let's aim for a balance, huh?

6.) He Earns More Money Than You.
Ugh, this makes me feel so uncomfortable. Maybe it's because I have a lot of my own career plans for the future and I don't want to actively strive on making less money than my husband... perhaps I'm being too idealistic but I would love for us to do what makes us happy, make a life together, and just be. Not focused on who brings in more money. Ugh. I don't know, I'm probably missing something with this one, but it still makes me uneasy.

7.) He's Not Hyper-Sexual, Overly Kinky, or Surrounded by Hot Woman Work.
Alright? I just don't have tons to say on this one. But the section left us with this point, "Great hot nights that turn into cold mornings are a waste of a 'hot' buy." Wow, thanks. How insightful.

8.) He's Not an Isolated, Grumpy, or Generally Unhappy Person.
Yes. This is probably a good point... and perhaps should have come up earlier on the priority list. "Happy people have happier marriages. Laughing together is the aphrodisiac of all times." We're in agreement there, book.






And with that... we conclude this little rule section... Only six more to go!